Therapy Space With Dr. Sara: Social Connection Cravings

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My daughter is normally a very happy child but is struggling with the transition to shelter-in-place. She craves being with her friends and school. She really wants to see her friends and attend class online but as soon as we get this set up on the computer, emotional stress becomes overwhelming and she can only last about 5 minutes before having a meltdown. It feels like we’re making the isolation worse and impossible to make social learning work. How can I help her handle this?

What a challenging time for parents! Research recommends limited screen time, yet we find ourselves in the situation you described. Whereas parents once said, “Go outside and play with a friend!” they now find themselves saying, “Get on the computer and socialize!” This is a transition time for us all.

Parenting our children’s individual needs still remains a priority, but the parameters have changed to account for quarantine. Flexibility and creativity are essential to determine what is best for your daughter. Adults often describe feeling overstimulated during virtual meetings and the same stands for children. The experience can feel like an overload to the system. The distractions are plentiful, like seeing your own image on the screen. I also have a 5 year-old child. Following his first Zoom class, he was so frustrated: “I couldn’t even hear what my teacher was saying.” I felt the same way; it was like a ping pong game with multiple balls in play. Something I utilize and shared with my children is that 80% of our information comes through visual input. Sometimes we all need to close our eyes for a moment or two to limit stimulation.

Restricted screen time has always been recommended for this age group because it impacts a child's mood, behavior, and attention span. They require spatial awareness and hands-on learning to foster problem solving and social-emotional learning, over extended screen time. However, under the current circumstances, it is important your daughter sees that the rest of the world, mainly her friends and teachers, still exist. 

Share observations of your daughter’s struggles, as most teachers are relying on this feedback to create effective learning platforms. A few suggestions: one child unmuted at a time, five or fewer children on a call, start off with movement and wiggles, utilize a transitional object like a stuffed animal, and perhaps limit the display to just the teacher. Your child can also “practice” with Zoom outside of the class time to foster habituation. If the Zoom sessions are still a struggle, ask the teacher for a short 1:1 call with your child. After all this, you need not insist your child stay present for the Zoom meet-ups. She is sending you a message that her overwhelm surpasses enjoyment, the intent of the call.

It is not natural for children to sit still while engaging in play, they are sensory learners. How do we meet social needs during quarantine? When utilizing a video platform, pre-determine an activity. The children can connect while still shifting their bodies and using manipulatives.

Examples:

  • art activity

  • enjoy a snack  

  • music and dance 

  • play instruments in their “band” 

  • scavenger hunt, using the same list

  • an adult reads a story

During screen time have a grown-up close by to assist as needed. My son was engaged in a lively conversation with friend, naming everything in the room that could break. When the signal became weak, frustration set in, and they started yelling to be heard. I was able to intervene and restart the call so they could return to their silliness. In addition, by being close, you can ensure social needs are met, serving as interpreter as well as recognizing when your child is finished with the “play date.” I have seen my son just put down the iPad and walk off to another activity, leaving behind a confused friend.

Outside of online meet-ups, there are additional ways to help our kids meet their social needs, for example by writing letters or mailing pictures. My son and his friend love to send video clips to each other. He can respond to her questions in his own time and enjoy her video over and over. Essential for this age group is imaginative play. You can “fill-in” as a friend or teacher. Role-play as your child directs your choices, knowing what his/her friend would do: “Hollis would definitely choose to play family.”

Next up: stress. We are all feeling it and kids are not exempt. In my practice, I hear the discrepancy in the homes. Children are underwhelmed and parents are overwhelmed. However, I think this vacillates throughout the day for each family member. It is so important to find times to come together, turn down the volume, and engage in something nourishing. Kids tend to thrive on consistency. If possible, create some sort of routine in the home. Also, monitor what is being said in front of the children. It is easy to get swept up by breaking news: “Did you hear, the number of deaths in Marin just went up by 20%!” How is a five year-old to make sense of that information? Children gather bits of information, subconsciously writing a story. The other day my husband announced his departure for the supermarket. My son came flying downstairs shrieking, “You will get Coronavirus!” His logic: if you leave the house, you will get sick.

This was a reminder that discussing Coronavirus needs to be ongoing. It is such a complicated topic that repetition is important. Confusion will set in; new questions will arise. Think of a time you shared something with your child, then six weeks later he/she abruptly asked a question about it. During those six weeks you hadn’t heard a peep about the topic, yet your child was silently mulling it over. Check-in, ask what is on her mind. This will give you a place to launch a conversation. Use age appropriate language and facilitate development of a language around Coronavirus. This is complicated territory with abstract concepts; therefore, I have included age-appropriate resources at the end of this article. Make sure to provide plenty of reassurance, such as how there are knowledgeable adults working hard to help out. Also, share the steps you are taking to promote safety.

Children intrinsically are helpers. Just like so many stopped by firehouses to thank firefighters, they can send cards to medical professionals, grocery workers, really anyone on the front lines. Of course there is the Marin Howl too! Your kids can join in at 8:00 PM to send their support to the healthcare providers. What child doesn’t dream of being outside during bedtime, howling with neighbors. They can also yell, “Thank you!” so they know why they are howling. 

On a positive note, I have heard several kids say, "I used to complain about going to school, but now all I want is to go to school!” I wonder what impact this sentiment will have on the outlook of school going forward! And thankfully, you may never have to remind your child to wash their hands again. 

Resources For Young Children:

Dr. Sara Edrington is a clinical psychologist practicing in San Rafael. She is passionate about her work with adults, adolescents, and couples, using an interactive approach that explores neurobiology, shame, trauma, relationships, parenting and managing stress during life-transitions. She received her Doctorate in Psychology in 2005 at the Los Angeles campus of the CA School of Professional Psychology. She is the Co-founder of Pacific Psychology and on-going supervisor to new professionals. She holds a certification in early childhood education, has presented at several high schools, and works to bring learning outside the classroom through community service, which has enhanced her own personal and professional growth. She is the proud mother of a spirited daughter and son who keep her on her toes, even when everyone should be sleeping.

Dr. Edrington can be reached at 415-690-8208.